Where have I been?

I find that when my blogging slacks, my weight loss slacks. I have had a busy/rough couple of weeks. Today will be my first day back in the gym in a week, and i gained 2.8 pounds IN ONE WEEK. I am back at 215 and very frustrated. I ate very badly for about 4 days in a row, but I am back in the game. I’m ready to keep on getting those numbers down.

Also, a fellow blogger posted a great post that really hit home. I thought I would link it:

http://run4change.wordpress.com/2009/10/28/taking-care-of-ourselves/

 

What I’ve got to say – to myself.

I was sitting here, still feeling really crappy (see last post for explanation). Then I started thinking about how I am still new to this “loving myself” concept. Before, the slightest upset would send me spinning off my axis. Over the last few months, I have done a great job of protecting myself. I don’t go out much anymore, and I’m surrounded by real friends/family. Then, last week I let someone rock my boat. I think that instead of letting this throw me off plan and get me down, I need to use it as a learning experience.

Here’s what I know about the situation, and how I will(or will not) let it affect me:

1. I was going to be at a party with people I didn’t know. That scared the hell out of me, so I drank too much. What I learned from that situation is that even nervous Sarah is better than wasted Sarah. I need to face my fear of public situations head on and show my true colors. I am fun to talk to and my opinions and thoughts are great. I need to show people that.
2. If I do happen to make a mistake, a bad impression, upset someone – I can’t let it ruin me. I can’t always control how people think of me. Sometimes they don’t get me or they misunderstand me. I can’t let that spin me off my axis and send me hurling into the misery of regret, loneliness and self-doubt. No one is interested in a sappy, needy mess. I don’t want to be that. I will only become that if I let other people affect me to an unhealthy degree. I am not going to do that anymore.
3. Now for the hard part – pick it back up and dust it off. Keep on trucking. Maybe I built things up, maybe things weren’t perfect, maybe I got it twisted. Maybe someone else did – either way, there are other people, other places, other times, when I will shine and it will be awesome. Unfortunately, that one party wasn’t one of those places and times.
4. I have to “do me.” I’m the only me I’ll ever have, and I’m the only me I’ve got to work with. I am going to put the best face forward, keep my attitude positive. I’m a great person when I want to be, and I consciously choose to be.

We’ll see what the future has to offer. I can do this, I can keep moving forward. I am worth it.

Really, really bad week.

So last week was supposed to fun, right? As it turns out, it was terrible. I was overworked to a point where I slept about 4 hours a night and couldn’t find the time to eat or run. I haven’t done a run in 7 days, and I feel SO out of it. I weighed myself this morning, and I lost 4.4 pounds this week because of the lack of food. I have been running on coffee and the occasional snack. I don’t even want to know how bad I killed my metabolism. I’m sure at least half of that weight was muscle as well.

Today I have to work on getting caught up with work and school. I also need to get back in the gym. I ate breakfast, and I am going to work back into eating my usual small, frequent meals.

In addition to all of my outrageous workload, I threw a party for my roommate and had a little too much to drink. We invited people who were friends as well as people from her work, and I completely embarrassed myself in front of them. I bothered and bugged them…and hugged two of them…ugh it was a NIGHTMARE. I was “that girl”….”drunk girl.” I am humiliated. In addition to just feeling really foolish, their reaction totally killed my confidence. I apologized over the internet, but who knows if I will ever be able to see them again to redeem myself. Like they say, you can’t take back a first impression. I thought maybe they would hang with us again. Since most of our friends moved away after school, we could definitely benefit from a few extra people to hang around. Turns out they really were super turned off by me, and we just politely saying “don’t worry about.” They never offered to hang again, though.

I am feeling really down. I hate to complain, but I feel like I really messed things up and ruined my friend’s birthday. I blew my chance at friendship with some cool people, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t understand why simple things like being a friendly person and acting normal at a party are SO HARD for me. I don’t understand why I can’t just be a normal person. I feel like I’ve taken one step forward and two steps back.

Oh wow…already a new week!

I lost another pounds this morning, so I am pleased. I broke my 2 pound a week streak, but ah well.

This week I am going to be BUSY. I have a presentation on Friday, paper proposal on Tuesday, final project due on wednesday and my roommates birthday party Friday night! We invited about 20 people and got AWESOME decorations. We’re making tons of food and having delicious drinks. I am really looking forward to it!

Tomorrow if my first run of this week, and I move my time from 30 minutes to 32. I am getting so close to completing the 5k, I might see if I can finish it tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes

I am anticipating a slightly slow week on the blogging, because I am out of this world busy. We’ll see though. Everyone have an awesome week!

Couch to 5k [COMPLETED]

Well folks, I did it. I never thought I could have, but I did. I ran for 30 minutes tonight. That is about 2.7 miles for my speed. I felt sick the last 3 minutes, but I held out. It was hard, but I can definitely do it again, and again. Next week, I am going to up it to 32 minutes and try to get to 40 minutes before I start working on speed maybe. Haven’t quite decided yet.

Today is an exciting day. One I NEVER thought would come. 3-months-ago-me would be so surprised.

Also…New Progress Photo!

Another progress photo – will probably wait until I’m closer to 200 to do another! Very proud of this one, because it shows a huge difference.

Plans for the day

Today I have a bunch of things I need to do. Class in a few minutes, then work, then running (YES!), then tons of homework. I am feeling a little overwhelmed, but pretty optimistic.

Tues/Thurs are hard because I hardly have any time to eat during the afternoon. This stink because it kills the metabolism and makes me feel ill-prepared for my run. I bought a box of Fiber One granola bars and I keep them in my glove box to try and fill in those hours with no food.

I know that during these times, apples, nuts, bananas, granola, etc are supposed to be good. Unfortunately, granola and nuts seem to disappear when I’m around. Since I have been doing so well lately, I am considering trying the nuts again. Almonds are very healthy and would be the perfect little pick-me-up on my super busy days. I would only be able to eat about 7 of them…but I am considering trying it. We’ll see how it goes. I will start out by buying a *very* small portion of them…just in case.

That’s about it for me today! Oh yeah and I try my first 30-minute run! I wil report back as to how that goes. I am nervous, and I need to add another song to my mix. Anyone have and good song suggestions? I like pop, rock, and country mostly for running, just because they all have the verse/chorus poppy thing going on!

BAD Blogger :(

I have been a bad blogger this week. I haven’t read any of my friends lovely posts and I haven’t posted anything myself. I also only ran 3 times this week, which stinks compared to the past few weeks…

The GOOD news is that I am going to do better on the bloggage this week AND I lost ANOTHER 2.2 pounds this week. That puts me at 217 even, and I finally hit my former lowest point. Am I freaked out about it? Nope…I have been preparing for this weight and I am going to get below it this time. Last time I was shocked because I never imagined I would *really* get below 220. This time, I know I can do it, and I am starting to prepare for being below 200. I bet I can lose that 17lbs before Christmas. It’s funny how all I have ever wanted is to get there…but getting there presents serious psychological changes. I gotta be prepared or I will gain it back!

Anyway. That is pretty much it…oh yeah and I finish my couch to 5k this week. This is a very special week I guess.

I am feeling good, and staying positive going into another awesome week. I wish the same wonderful week to all of my readers! LET’S DO IT TOGETHER THIS WEEK!!!!!

Running Breakthrough

Today’s challenge was my first 28 minute stretch. I finished it! That equals 2.35 miles for me. That is the furthest I’ve ever run in my entire life! WOW! Unfortunately, I am running 12 minute miles. That means my 5k speed is going to be 36 minutes.

Next week I start doing 30 minute runs. I guess after one week of 30 minute runs at 5mph, I will start increasing the speed to 5.1, 5.2, etc mph. Looking forward to the day when I can run ever further. After the 5k training is complete I will be moving on to trying for a 10k!

Scary Stuff

The days when I feel alone and scared don’t come as often now. In the beginning, I was afraid of everything. My body was a shell, and stepping outside in the morning was hard. Getting a shower was hard. Talking to a friend was hard.

I felt comfortable, but I wasn’t safe. I was terrified of who I had become. More importantly, I was terrified that other people would find me out. I knew that I had given in to comfort, and I knew that I wasn’t living up to my full potential. I thought that if other people couldn’t tell, then it was OK.

The worst part of what was going on at that time was the fact that I wasn’t ME. I recognize that succumbing to fear and comfort is a part of my personality that I need to keep a watchful eye on, but I have a choice. I have the potential to be an incredible person. I have the power to quiet the negatives and bring out the positives.

Everyone has faults, problems, anxieties, and troubles. The person I become is not the result of all of my traits haphazardly joined together without hierarchy. The person I become is the result of who I choose to be. I am not a victim of myself. I am in control of myself and my life.

Now that so many of my former issues are starting to disappear, I fear that a new set of problems will arise. I know that this is inevitable, but I wonder if I will be able to handle them. Will I be able to deal with the rejection involved in real dating? Will I constantly wonder if people like me for me – or my looks? Will I feel naked without my weight? Will it be harder to create an identity without the default of “fat?”

I’ve been thinking a lot about accepting the “scary stuff.” This is the stuff that makes life hard. It’s also the stuff that makes it worth living. When I was afraid of everything, I used weight to keep me comforted. I experienced nothing. I was an outsider. I wasn’t able to handle the potential pain in any situation, so I steered clear of every situation. I don’t want to live that way anymore.

If I’m too afraid to take a gamble, I will always miss out on the jackpot. A real, fulfilled life is not one without any mistakes, but one that made mistakes and learned from them. A life that went places, saw people, did things, got hurt, picked back up, and loved living again. Those scary situations I was once afraid of aren’t only about being unsure, nervous, scared, or sad. They are also about the thrill of not knowing. They are about trusting in myself enough to go for something, even if the outcome isn’t what I wanted. Those situations test my trust in myself. All I can do is my best, and if I trust that I did my best – then a negative outcome, or a bad relationship, or a bad day are not a reflection of something being wrong with me, they are just that – bad outcomes.

I have learned that I have to be my own best friend. I am my own advocate. No one will ever trust me, love me, or care about me if I don’t do those things for myself. That may sound cliche, but I’ve never understood the meaning of those types of statements until now. I finally think I am starting to do all of those things. One step on the treadmill at a time, one flirty conversation at a time, one less “I didn’t go outside today” at a time.

I’ll say it again. I’m happy.