Christmas Decorations?

Plans for today:

• Getting out some Christmas decorations!  I absolutely LOVE the holidays, and it’s finally time to decorate!
• Getting my laundry done…yuck.  I have to go to the laundromat, and that means boring.  The last time I was there some people got into a yelling fight!  At least that was entertaining.
• Getting dressed nicely with makeup and my hair done.  I am going to a friends in the early evening to get dressed and have a few drinks!
• Going to a bar for a birthday karaoke party.  It should be pretty fun; I have been looking forward to it all week.

That’s about it.  I have a pretty busy day, so I better get going!  Oh yeah and one more thing!  Thank you to everyone who has read and commented my blog.  It is so awesome to hear what people have think, and I’m so thankful for the encouragement!  Also, if anyone has a food, weight-loss, excerise, etc type blog that they would like linked to my right-side link section, just drop me a comment and I’ll get you linked up!

Why Not to Quit

I think the scariest thing about starting a weight-loss plan is the fact that I might fail.  I have a fairly serious fear of failure, but failing at weight-loss is particularly devastating.  I heard on TV the other day that the more times you try a “diet,” the harder it gets.  They said that this was because you have all of your failures under your belt.  At this point in my life, the scariest thing to me is failing at this attempt.  Mostly, I think its because I can’t imagine going back to the way things were a few weeks ago.

I mean, right now I am so focused, but I know Misses I. Quit will rear her ugly head sometime in the future.  I have given a lot of thought about what I can do to face her head on when the time comes that I am tired, depressed, and disillusioned, and I just want to give up on this.  I think that when that time comes, because I know it will, I am going to create a situation where I consciously make the choice to quit.  I will not let myself get sidelined by some ice cream.  If I am going to give up on myself in the future, like I have so many other times, I am going to make myself face what I would be doing head on.  By that I mean, I am going to make sure that future me fully understand and accepts what “quiting” would mean.  Since I know, that no amount of ice cream or pizza is more important to me than this, I think this will keep the future me from throwing in the towl.

I have been meaning to get to this for the last week or so, and since I’m so bored…here it is:

Dear Sarah,

Remember in the 2nd grade when you had a crush on Kyle and he had a crush on Jennifer?  Remember how you were only 8 years old, but you were already starting to experience the prejudice that accompanies excess weight.  Remember how you used to fall asleep at night and wish that you would wake up as someone else – anyone else, because you hated being fat?  Remember when you used to switch chairs with Jennifer and hope of of the “pretty” would rub off, literally?  What a crazy kid…but you KNEW you had a weight problem then.  You recognize right now that no 8-year-old should have to live like that.

Fast forward to right now.  You’re 24…or maybe you’ve just turned 25, and you need to realize that the mid twenties you doesn’t deserve this any more than the younger you did.  You deserve to be the star of the show for once in your life.  You deserve to have a guy like you back.  You deserve to go on a date.  You don’t need anyone else’s “pretty” to rub off on you.  You already are.

Remember when you were starting out in college and you had gained 40 pounds.  You were so ashamed of yourself!  Your guy roommates made you feel like crap all of the time.  You didn’t go to parties like a normal freshman.  Instead, you sat at home, feeling uncomfortable, and kept packing on the pounds.  No freshman in college should miss out on the experience, and you did. You’re never going to get those years back.  You let your weight rob you of your college experience.

Remember that your weight isn’t all of it.  It’s how you see yourself.  Are you reading this right now because you want to eat out of depression?  Why do you think food is going to fix you?  It’s not, and it never will.  What is bothering you?  Tackle it head on!  Don’t give in to food.  THINK SARAH.  You are smart; you need to know that what you’re considering is – giving up.  That means erasing everything you’ve worked for.  That means agreeing to let your weight rob you of more of your life.  That means that you’re letting yourself down.

Remember when you gained the final 20lbs that broke the proverbial camel’s back?  Remember how you were ashamed to visit your family over the summer?  You know the story I’m getting at.  You, dad, step-mom, brother, and step-aunt are sitting at a trendy little cafe in D.C.  The waiter is a cute, early twenties type, and he comes over to the table and literally looks through you.  Your step-aunt, in her mid thirties, is more attractive to him than you because you are huge.  You didn’t even feel human.  You sat there, like a ghost, having to EAT of all things, like nothing bothered you.  If you would have been given the option, you would have wanted to fall through the floor.  The entire meal, everyone comments on how the waiter is interested in your step-aunt, clearly uncomfortable because you’re obviously his age, not her.

Remember when great grandma used to ask you “do you have a boyfriend?” every time you came to visit?  Remember when your girl friends used to talk “boys” with you.  Remember when mom and step-mom used to ask who you were dating.  Do they do it anymore?  Nope.  They assume you’re not dating anyone.  They know no one would be interested, and they don’t want to put you through the embarrassement.

Remember when dad used to take you to the hospital when you were little?  Everyone thought you were so cute.  Remember how your senior picture, nearly 80 pounds ago, hangs in their livingroom?  Remember when you gave dad that picture?  “You’re so pretty” he had said.  When was the last time someone told you that?  I’m sure you can’t remember.

The worst thing ever…you know I was getting to it…the time when your college roommate went home to see people from high school.  Remember how insecure you were with him, and how he made you feel less than human.  The story he told you… you were so upset!  During his trip home, your guy enemy from high school had heard rumors you “got fat” (like you didn’t already feel fat all through high school at 160 punds) and asked your roommate if there was “any food left for the roommates to eat.”  That hit home in so many ways.  That event signified the end of you having any meaning.  It meant, no matter what, everyone else always won, trumped you, because you were fat.  In gaining weight, you had already been defeated in every battle you would ever fight.  And worst of all, your roommate was ashamed of you.  He told you that story in hopes you would lose the weight.

You love fashion, Sarah.  You LOVE it.  At your highest weight, Lane Bryant was the only shop you could buy from.  You long for the day when anything at Urban Outfitters would fit.  You’re NOT HAPPY, SARAH.  You’re not happy in any area of your life when you let your eating define you.

Take ahold of whatever is making you think that quitting is the only option, and stare it in the face.  You can do this because you are so strong, and smart, and you deserve to be as happy as you can possibly be.  You only live once, and you don’t want to end with the regrets of your mom and her mom.  You hated their defeatest attitude growing up, and you were letting yourself indulge in it when things got out of control.  Don’t be defeated, Sarah.  WIN.  This battle, against this monster, is one battle you have the power to beat.  You might not feel the results today, or tomorrow, but in a month you will see a difference.  In two months there will be more of a difference.  In the end you will be more proud than you’ve ever been.

I know it scares you that the problem will always be there.  You will always have “food issues.”  Don’t let them get you down.  So many people are dealt such worse hands, be thankful for what you have.  Be thankful you have the power and courage to have started this, and be strong enough to make it through the home stretch.  Take your life back!  Get out of the house, get away from the food and go LIVE.  Take a run, play with the cat, design something, edit a photo, call home – anything is better than doing what you’re considering.

By now I know there is a voice in your head telling you to listen to this.  Just do it.  The food will always be there, and it doesn’t make you happy.  Make yourself happy.  Prove yourself right.  Don’t give up on yourself.  You. Can. Do. This.

Sarah

Rough Spot

This weekend has been a real bummer, because everyone went home for Thanksgiving except Chris and I.  Chris has worked all weekend except yesterday, and I have just been sitting around all day.  I am so bored… The leftovers are calling to me from the refrigerator, I can’t get up enough energy to work on any school work, and I’m just feeling lousy.

There’s only so much cable TV one person can take.

The Morning After – I Made it Through Thanksgiving!

Well, the day is over.  I woke up this morning with two thoughts:  “Thank god I made it through.” and “I’m starving, what can I eat as soon as possible?”

The second thought was the “old me” trying to get me up and reeling to the closest cubbard or refrigerator.  That voice of the “old me”, though still haunting and annoying as ever, is getting quieter with each passing day.  Only 3 weeks ago, I was exhausted on a daily basis from my obsessive thoughts about getting as much food into my body as possible.  The “new me” thinks about other things – at least some of the time.

This morning I am putting off doing any sort of homework and reading weight loss blogs on the internet.  I stumbled upon www.pastaqueen.com and www.poundy.com while doing this reading, and it got me thinking about a few things.  Before I start with my bullet-list of this realizations, I need to tell everyone to visit these blogs.  They are written by clever, intelligent, determind, and inspirational women that make me proud to be a member of the weightloss club.

My realizations:

• While reading the blogs I mentioned above, I was shocked by the writing ability and intelligence.  I was reminded of the fact that I used to love to write myself, and I wondered how I let that slip away.  I mean, I write for school and I enjoy that, but I don’t write for fun, or oppinion, or critique anymore.  When I was in high school, for example, I was a fireball.  I could be found in my room writing songs for the band I was in, flaming anyone and everyone for things I found ridiculous, or on the internet emailing friends about all of those dramatic high school happenings (It was before the blog days people.  Yes, I am that old).  I was such a strong-willed oppinionated person, and I always had a written outlet for it.  As I got older and the weight piled on, I started to feel less and less confident about my oppinions.  I started to expect that, regardless of what I was saying, people would hate everything I was communicating to them.  I was completely consumed with the idea that all anyone saw in front of them was a fat person – not Sarah.  I am making a commitment, along with the weight loss, to get back to thow I used to be in this regard.  Somehow, I became one of those people who didn’t care about anything I had to say.  I’m not going to let the weight keep parts of me from shining.  I suppose this blog is the first step in that direction.

• Secondly, I have a really, really fucked up view of myself.  I am still really angry about the way I’ve been treated by friends, family, and strangers as a result of my weight gain, and this has altered my view of who I am to a degree that sort of scares me to think about.  When I think about losing weight – now that I am detoxed myself out of my food coma – I am TERRIFIED.  Nope, not because I will miss the Chinese food, but because I think “If I don’t have fat covering me, that is, if I’m not fat Sarah, then who the hell am I?”  The answer to that question is I have absolutely NO IDEA.  I suppose I could sum all of that up in the following: I hate myself.  Yeah, I sound like a dramatic 16-year-old, but it’s absolutely true.  I am not without hope for myself, but I have become so accustomed to hating the way I look, that at some point years ago, it transferred to hating me.  I am so used to shrinking, hunching, hiding and hating that it’s hard to imagine a time when people will see me as a clean slate.  What I mean by that is – when someone meets me for the first time, they already “know” me.  I’m a fat girl.  I’m also the stereotypes that come with that title.  Need not look any further, you’ve got me pinned.  While I hate that thought, I find absolute comfort in it.  It’s the bliss in zero expectations that keeps me comfortable in this state.  If i am the fat girl, and nothing else, no one expects anything of me.  No one relies on me.  In some ways, it’s easy to be fat.  Being fat is…err…was my barrier from the real world.  It was the security blanket that no one could make me let go of.  I always thought that the idea of people “using” their weight as a distraction or protection was a bunch of emotional BS.  In looking at these other women’s blogs, I have realized for the first time ever, that it is exactly what I was doing.  I was hiding from expectations at work and school through this weight.  I was warding off any issues with boyfriends or sex.  I was keeping myself in a cocoon for christ’s sake!  Somebody get me a therapist…sheesh.

Those are the thoughts for the first part of today, I guess.  I am going to go off now and do an exercise video.  After that, I might eat a little something and then play a computer game.  Hooray for Thanksgiving break.

Thanksgiving

I HATE THANKSGIVING! Why is there an entire day dedicated to EATING?

I am not going to visit my dad in Florida or my mom in Indiana, and I am making the meal for myself and a friend. We already are prepared for a low calorie meal, but I am still stressed about it. My friend wants mashed potatoes and just the thought of them makes me uncomfortable. They’re one of my favorite foods, and in the past I would have literally eaten them until I threw up. I got the ingredients for them, but I only bought 3 potatoes. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t eat than much now. I also got a vegetarian tofu roast, tons of veggies for a salad, and ingredients for green bean casserole.

Tomorrow morning in preparation, I am going to force my friend to go on a looong walk before we even start to cook. I have to make sure that this holiday is fool-proof. I will NOT let tomorrow be the day I get a taste of the way I used to be and fall off the wagon.

As much as I have really been trying to not become a slave to the scale, I have been weighing myself way too much. The results have been good, but I know its unhealthy to obsess over it. The days when I used to weigh myself after everything I ate went away in high school, and I don’t want them to return. What’s interesting about weighing daily is the shock at how much weight I’m losing. Halting that type of abusive eating is producing changes that I am amazed by.

I only have one class to go to this afternoon. I think I am going to get dressed, do my exercise video, and then get ready for class. Just a relaxing day!

Week one is over.

I am done!  I finished week one!  It was a tough week, but it was a good week.  I am so proud of myself, and I am feeling better than I have felt in as long as I can remember.

My results are as follows…

My highest ever recorded weight was about a week and a half ago at 253.8 pounds and today at my first weekly weight-in, I am down 4.8 pounds! My current weight is 249 lbs. What sort of scares me at this point is the idea that I still have 99 lbs to go to reach my goal weight. It really makes me wonder how I let it get this out of hand.

I am not going to let it get me down though, I am going to beep on trucking along!

Tonight I am going to hang out with a friend and watch TV. Nothing too much exciting is happening, but it’s nice to just relax. Oh yeah, and how could I forget? IT SNOWED TODAY! The first snow of the year! I LOVE the snow, so I am so happy

“Happy” – what’s that?

Well, the weekend is nearly over, but I had a GREAT weekend.  A friend from out of town came to visit, I didn’t get off of my weight-loss program one bit, and I even got dressed and went out two times.

On friday night I went out with a friend to see Twilight again, and we went to the 21 and over theatre.  It’s very large and fancy and the seats are couches.  We ordered fun drinks – seltzer, gin, lime, and cucumber!  So low calorie, and I even SKIPPED THE POPCORN.  Completely!  In fact, I didn’t even want it!  The cute bartender even talked to me a bit when I ordered.  I had forgotten what it felt like to go out in public with my head held high and my hair washed and a little makeup on.  I made eye contact with all of the workers in the theatre when they gave our drinks and helped us to our seats.  I know this may sound like normal occurrences for most people, but for me this is a breakthrough of the sort I didn’t think I was capable of having anymore.

Really, I am in complete awe of how quickly my mood is changing.  I had some struggles through the week with restricting too much, but I pulled through it all feeling…HAPPY.  I was actually happy!  I had a little thing that I haven’t had in so long I didn’t know it was possible – hope.  I talked to people my own age, I showered every day of the weekend, I went out to a bar and two movies!  That’s more than I have done in months, quite literally.

I’m feeling a little down tonight, because Sundays are just boring.  I have a lot of work to do in the office tomorrow, and then I have a late class tomorrow night that I am not very excited about.  I usually have trouble sleeping on Sundays, and I end up counting the clock al night long.  The difference between this Sunday and the last several hundred Sundays of my life is that I am doing something good for myself, I am staying positive and I’m not going to let this boring day get me down.

Tomorrow morning I get to weight myself, because it will have been 1 week on the program.  I am so proud of myself, and I am already feeling smaller.  My pants that I mentioned in m first post are starting to get loose again.  I can’t wait to see myself in another week!  I will post my results from week one tomorrow morning.

Well, I suppose I’m off to find something to do.  Maybe I will paint my nails…did I mention I have stopped biting my nails for the entire week as well?  I am making more serious changes than I ever have before in my life, and I am starting to think it might actually work this time.  I can’t wait to see how things keep improving.  Week 1 is over and I did it!  The first steps are the hardest and they’re over.

Twilight

A few of my friends and I bought tickets to the midnight American release of the movie Twilight.  For anyone who has been hiding under a rock and doesn’t know what it is, check the author out here: http://www.stepheniemeyer.com

The long and short of it is that it’s a series of 4 books deemed young adult with an excellent story told through mediocre writing.  I enjoyed books one and two, dealt with 3, and haven’t finished 4.  I know, I’m only like 50 pages left, but I have a problem with things ending.  I just don’t want to read the end.

Anyway, back to what I was saying.  They made the 1st book into a movie, and the release was tonight.  I had read about a lot of fan girl obsession in newspapers and on the internet, so I was expecting a line for the opening.  When we got there, we were smashed into the front waiting atrium with about 100 high school girls, for over an hour, who were varying degrees of in love with the book series.  One girl had her face painted, some girls were with their moms, and nearly everyone was wearing the Hot Topic shirts saying “Team Edward.”

We finally got let in, sat down, and waited another hour.  Now I realize that it’s sort of funny to complain being that the main fan base for this series is as stated above.  Let me get to the ‘real’ reason I went to see the film.  Robert Pattinson.  He’s the guy that plays Edward in the movie, the main male character.  This man totally pulled my through a time warp back to age 16 and broke my heart all at once.  I don’t think there’s an American woman alive that can resist a sexy Brit, and I am definitely not exempt.  That being said, I pretty much had zero hopes for the film’s quality.  I had heard that it got terrible reviews, and I now agree with them.

If you havn’t read the books, the movie literally won’t make sense at all.  It was obviously created only for the readers of the series, and the scenes that were supposed to be serious were laughable.  Regardless, I will be purchasing the film, because I have never laid eyes on a better looking human.  http://www.robertpattinson.org

On a side note, I did smile a little on the inside knowing that Pattinson is much too old for the young ladies in the theatre.  Not that it matters… oh geez I have to get out of this time warp… back to age 24 please.

Finally, my apologies for this posts readability, spelling, and flow.  I wrote it half asleep at 4 am and am finishing it in the office.  More to come tonight, I have many other tales from the previous night!

Unsupportive

Today is a beast of a day already.  I was so tired this morning, I could hardly get out of my bed for my earliest class.  Then, in class, we did absolutely nothing and the prof. forgot to take attendance.  I totally should have skipped…

Since I ate breakfast this morning, I was ravenous by 11, and ended up eating like 10 points for lunch.  I am no longer hungry, but am desperate to eat more.  Instead, I am going to go out on a photography scavenger hunt for a class.  Online, I read that replacing eating times with activity will make things easier.  I am trying that out today.  So far, even thinking about getting my gear together to shoot some photos is helping.  That’s a nice relief.

One of my friends, a former boyfriend, has been extremely unsupportive of my weightloss.  He doesn’t cut me down or anything.  In fact, he doesn’t even care that I’m overweight.  Unfortunately, his complacency is annoying and unhelpful at times when I was to actually be active.  Since he can eat 4,000 calories a day and stay thin, he never does anything to exercise.  He’s coming with me on my scavenger hunt, but he’s coming reluctantly.  At this point, I am feeling emotional and angry about having not binged in 2 days, and this complacency is just pushing my buttons.  When my buttons get pushed, I eat.

As I am working through day two, I am starting to realize that almost every situation causes me to want to eat.  I sort of feel like I am detoxing or coming out of a food coma.  I can see a little bit clearer with each passing hour.  I am having a tough time with not eating today, but I can also understand why I’m doing this a little better than yesterday.  I think paying attention to, and congratulating myself for these small victories will be the help that I need to keep going.

I am also already realizing that writing this blog helps me to sort out my thoughts.  It helps me find that rational voice in my head that I have always had trouble connecting with.  I am excited for the future.

Obstacles already…

I am working the WW plan and going well, but I am running into the familiar “black or white” feeling that is so familiar.  I am always completely out of control or over control in almost all situations, especially when it comes to food.  I have such a hard time letting myself eat when I’m “dieting,” and when I’m not, I eat myself sick.  That terrible word that is bubbling up now in the back of my throat.  That word which I loathe, yet dream of harnessing the power of: MODERATION.

I am wrestling with simultaneous self-loathing and severe hunger.  The awareness of my weight and newly rejuvenated weightloss strategy drug the skeletons out of the closet.  I wanted to simply not eat.  I was miserable and torn all day.  My yearning to binge faced down that that sick joy from the pangs of hunger – the joy from starving myself.  Imagine a massive, angry, shrieking, obese monster coming right up against a sinister, sickly, anorexic.  Those two demons were dancing around inside my head all day.

All of these thoughts are completely irrational.  The only thing they have done for me in the past is exacerbate my problems and pack on the pounds.  Today, I ignored them.  Today, I ate in moderation.

In other news, I have been working on a piece of fiction that I am actually starting to like.  I have always loved writing, but for some reason I couldn’t get used to really fleshing out a character.  More to come on all of that and more…my friends are here now!