What would it feel like…?

I just finished sorting a massive mound of laundry, and I finally got around to cleaning the lower level of my apartment.  While I was sorting my clothes into the white/mixed/dark piles, I made mental note of a handful of items that repeatedly get washed, tried on, and then thrown back into the laundry basket to repeat the cycle.  I can’t imagine that I am the only person on earth who does this; it’s like I wash these several items and then always hope that the next time I try them on they will magically fit.

While I was thinking about these pieces of clothing, I got to thinking, “What would it feel like to just put something on because I like it.”  As a seriously overweight person, I get tired of layering.  I think all of the layering is a mechanism for covering up, locking and loading, and camouflaging the fat and rolls.  On an average day I wear a sports bra, two tanks tops, and a zip up hoodie.  I consider this my “sporty” look.  I consider this look unoffensive.  Sure, I still look fat.  I know that, but I’m not trying to look good.  So in my mind, I hope that peers, onlookers, and passerbys never think “god, she looks terrible in that,” because, after all, I’m just wearing sweats.

As much as I am thankful for the invention of the hoodie, I get tired of covering up.  A few weekends ago I went out with some friends, and one of my female friends wore a v-neck orange t-shirt with a cute shiny necklace, probably from H&M and some cute boot cut jeans, and grey pumps.  I looked at her and thought, “wow, there’s only like 4 pieces to her outfit…I can’t remember the last time I wore less that 4 items on my upper half.”  It’s frustrating to try on a t-shirt, realize that all of my rolls show, take it off, and throw it back in the laundry because I need “more” to wear.

On that same subject, I also am tired of the feeling that my body destroys clothing.  I feel like I can only keep a shirt or pants for a few months before throwing it away.  My clothes are so stretched, rubbed, and tugged on that they are defeated within one wash.  I feel like I dress in rags.

I thought to myself, “What would it feel like to keep an item of clothing for more than a year?”

On the upside of this pretty down post, I also created a little pile of clothes that would “fit soon.”  I have some cute white pants that are for summer, and I think I bought them 2 years ago when I was one some diet.  I’ve also got over 15 pairs of jeans starting at a size 34 inch waist all the way down to about a 26 inch waist from high school.  What’s great is that I won’t have to do much expensive shopping as I lose weight!  Once I hit the 215 pound mark, some of these pieces will start fitting again.  If I remember correctly, that was the weight I was when I wore some of my former “fat jeans” when I weighed less than I do now.  Good things are coming…I just can’t wait for them.

NSV!

In the Weight Watchers world we use the term “NSV” to say that we’ve had a “non-scale victory.”  This means anything that we have noticed that has changed positively about ourselves or our lives that is related to or a result of weight loss, but not to the dreaded scale!

If you go back and read my first entry to this blog, you will see that I wrote about some jeans that I had bought only a few weeks earlier that were so tight I felt uncomfortable sitting down in them to write the blog that day.  At that time, I was gaining weight so fast that I was growing out of clothes at nearly a weekly rate.

Well, this is where the NSV comes into play!  The jeans that I had grown out of, which promted me to buy the ones I just mentioned, have been sitting my closet for the last several months…in fact, nearly 6 months already!  When I hit my 10% yesterday, I decided to allow myself to try them on.  Unbelievably, THEY FIT!  Sure, they’re still a little tight, and I do have some “muffin top” action, but they are within 10 pounds of being my normal, regular jeans again!

For the first time ever, I am finally really seeing the results of losing a significant amount of weight.  I cannot wait until this summer, when I will have hopefully lost another 25 pounds, and I can hit just below the 200 mark.  I haven’t seen a “1″ at the beginning of my weight is soo long.

Week 10 is over!

Week 10 is finall over and with incredible results.  I am feeling incredible today, because I have now lost just over 25 pounds.  I also hit my 10% goal.

I have never done the program this long in my life, and this is the largest amount of weight I have ever lost in my life.  I am terribly excited, but coming off of a rough week last week, I am gearing up to go hardcore on the program.  I need to get back to exercising, getting in every good health guideline, and making sure I eat all of my points.

I also need to get back to tracking every solitary morsel I eat.  I feel so much better when I do that!

Well, classes started today, so I have to run and pick up some text books before my next class.  Also, I am thinking of posting some before and after pictures pretty soon.  I am embarrassed of them, but I think they will be motivation.

I am also thinking of adding this blog to my Weight Watchers message board profile.  I think I will do it this week.  I kind of wanted to prove to myself that I was serious about all of this before I would let myself share it with other people on the program.  This week, I am going for it!

Travels…and finally a RETURN.

I am home.  I am home, and I am completely done traveling for several months.  It feels SO GOOD to be planted some place familiar again.  I made my own breakfast this morning, and I am sitting in my apartment with my cat and just relaxing.

Well, I will post a photo of where I just was.  Washington D.C. for the Inauguration!  It was an inredibly special and moving experience.  I was disappointed in the beginning that we couldnt’ elect a woman as President, but in the interim I have become a big supporter of Obama.  Based on the outrageous support and new respect for his position in office, I think he is exactly what the country wanted/needed.

I took this photo in the early morning on the day of inauguration.  I couldn’t even believe how many people were there!  In fact, none of my photos do it justice.  It was just overwhelming how many people were there.  What was the most impressive was that everyone was KIND to eachother.  This was 2 million people who were happy to be there, happy to be an American, and happy to be electing this President.

In other news, I was “off the plan” while I was gone in the sense that I wasn’t going online and logging my points.  I was keeping a mental tally of how many points I was eating, and I was trying to stay well under just in case.  I know how keeping a mental tally can get out of hand.  I was also walking around 10 miles a day going to the events and museums.

All in all, I had prepared myself for a gain.  I was just thinking that since I wasn’t tracking, there would definitely be a gain.  I weighed myself last night, since I had missed a weigh-in while I was gone, and there was a big loss.  I am surprised by it, but excited to.  Just to be official, I am not going to log my weight until my regular time on Monday morning.  I am so happy to be getting back to normalcy.  I am also getting excited, because I am 90% sure I will be leaving the realm of the “230’s” within the next few weeks.  I haven’t weighed less than 230 in over a year.  I am so happy.

I will also be back to blogging normally!  Finally!  My life has returned!  Haha…that means I will also get back to read all of the wonderful weight loss blogs that the internet has to offer.  All of my regular reads have been calling my name while I was away!  I am just happy that I have kept it together through the tough times of being gone, and that I am once again back on the program.

On Monday I will start week 11….the LONGEST I HAVE EVER BEEN ON THE PLAN.  WOW.

I’m on vacation…again!

At this point, I am feeling like I am never going to be home!  Don’t get me wrong, I can’t complain about a trip out of state.  I am just feeling worn out, because I have been to Florida, Fort Wayne (Indiana), Indianapolis, and Washington D.C. all in the last 4 weeks.  Some driving, some flying.  All a lot of fun.

I am in D.C. through this coming Wednesday for the inauguration.  I am really excited to see the events and people as we swear in a new leader.

Also, family and friends come to the rescue in terms of my new love and hobby – photography.  I bought a new camera a few months back, and for my birthday, they got me lighting gear as well as a *really* nice new lens for the camera.  I will post some new photos once I get them edited and uploaded.

I weight in next on Monday, and I will update as I go along!  For now, I am eating light and enjoying myself!

Candy Bar Battle

I fought an intense battle the other night.  In some ways it didn’t matter, because I had the weekly flex points to cover me.  In other ways it mattered because it showed that I have the power to just say “no” to temptation.

I had stopped at the gas station with a friend before settling in for the night at my apartment.  My friend was getting his nightly treat, which is a Reeses candy.  I stood in the aisle knowing that I had the points, but wasn’t hungry for candy.  I thought to myself “what does it matter if I eat it?”  Then I corrected that thought with “why would you want to eat something that you don’t even really want?”

Standing there in the aisle I realized that these little battles are the steps that make up the journey of losing weight.  If I have the power to do the right thing in one situation, I can do it in all of the situations.  I reminded myself that this little candy bar would be forgotten in days and weeks, but that the long term happiness from losing weight would benefit me for my entire life.

I also realized the fear that comes along with just saying no.  It’s like I felt as though I didn’t have the option to refuse the candy.  I thought that I couldn’t say no.  I was operating out of impulse and instant gratification rather than my true feelings and thoughts.  Once I had simply told myself “I’m not eating that” and turned to leave the store, I felt a HUGE relief.  I had said “no” and the world didn’t end.  In fact, I was immediately relieved.  It wasn’t until the other day that I realized just how many times in my past I must have eaten something out of fear of simply not eating it.  As the days move by, I am realizing how much of my former life I based on fear.  I am so relieved to be different than I was then and learning from my mistakes and getting better each day.

“Scandal Sheets”

I LOVE scandal sheets.  That’s what my grandma calls them.  Apparently thats what people called those things back in the day.  I think it’s a funny thing to call them, so I started doing it as a joke.  On a night like tonight, you can find me with a huge Evian bottled water and a

few of these magazines on my couch watching TV.  I guess I love the media immersion.  I consider it a part of my diet in a way.  I felt like slamming some delicious food tonight, because I was upset about an argument I had with a friend.  Instead of doing my former binge of the old days by buying treats at the gas station across the street from my apartment, I grab something healthy from my house and allow myself to get a different kind of treat – as gossip magazine.

I love clothes, and I am a huge media freak.  I know these magazines are total crap, don’t get me wrong.  I just can’t get enough images of celebs and fashion.  I love seeing what everyone is wearing, where they’re vacationing, and what they’re eating.  As it turns out, most of them are only eating Starbucks and Pinkberry.

If I am thinking to myself “screw this, I would rather eat 5 granola bars than ever be thin.”  I can pick up a magazine and remind myself that I am young and love clothes.  I yearn to be able to wear the clothes that celebrities my age wear.  Just a few glances at a new Katie Holmes outfit reminds me that if I was thin I could pull off the new 70’s bell-bottom ripped jeans that are coming back into style.  Or that the new long skinny sweaters make me look like a school marm because I have huge arms and a frumpy body.

Some people reading this might be thinking that I am being superficial.  Honestly, I guess I am.  I can’t help it.  Actually, I don’t want to help it.  I like fashion, and I can’t wait until I can be a part of it again.  I can’t wait until I feel like I can really rock a trend.  At the height of my weight gain, I didn’t even shop at all.  I hated clothes.  It felt all wrong.  Since I was just a few years old, I was puting outfits together.  I can’t wait to be back at it again.  It’s going to be soon, too.  I am so excited!

Well, I am back to watch Biggest Loser and do a little more reading!

Week 8 is OVER!

Fun-wise, this week was an 11/10. I visited a friend in Indianapolis with some other friends, and we partied non-stop for the entire weekend. We had too much fun. Eating-wise, I tried. I mean, I really tried. I went into the weekend with zero flex points (busy, rough week last week). I ate as light as possible. This included eating regular oatmeal packets from my friends apartment while everyone else ate Lipton Noodle Sides, tater tots, and bagels. I also passed up Taco Bell completely, and even only ate two small pieces of garlic bread when we went for pizza. I ate salad instead of pizza. And yes, I got the fat free lowest calorie dressing. This is a major change for me, and I haven’t been challenged like this before. My one short-coming? I got a side of fries after the bar on Saturday night with my side salad. I also ate a quarter cup of Ranch dressing. *OUCH*

Along with this fun we also did a lot of drinking. We went out Friday and Saturday. While I ordered diet soda/seltzer with vodka, the vodka itself eventually added up. I went over my weeklies by an amount so shameful, I am embarrassed to post it. But in the name of honesty, I will tell you. 80 points. There it is; it’s out of my hands. My triumph through this was the fact that I came home and tracked every solitary thing I put in my mouth. I knew I was going to have gone over. What shocks me is how much I went over by, but the fact that I did EXPONENTIALLY better than if I wasn’t following a program. I would bet that that number would have been more than quadrupled without Weight Watchers.

All that being said, I knew my weight in results would be iffy. Not to mention, good old ladies’ time of the month has decided to pay a visit on weigh in day. I was expecting as much as a 5 pound gain. To be honest, I have NEVER gained on Weight Watchers before. I have never stuck with the program long enough to see a gain. I thought a gain meant giving up. Well, I am here this week to prove that that is NOT what it means. It means that I sacrificed losing weight for the week so that I could go out and have an incredible time. I have logged the points, accepted the results, and I am 100% ready to roll for this week.

The results:
Start Weight: 253.8 lbs
This Week: 235.2 lbs (+0.6 lbs from last week)
Total Weight Lost: 18.6 lbs

This week I am going to the inauguration in Washington D.C.  There will be photos and updates to follow!

I finally have my internet back!

Who has been the worst blogger on earth lately?  Me!  I haven’t had internet, and I feel bad about blogging from work.  I got it restored this morning.  I had missed my payment while I was on vacation over the holiday, and Time Warner shut down my operation!  Haha.

So here’s the catching up – this week I have been up to…going back to work!  Ugh.  I have been at the same place for 4 years now, while I’ve been going to school.  I am getting bored and iritated with it.  Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do.  It’s just that I am an antsy person.  I can’t stay at one place for too long.  By the time i graduate it will be past my 6-year anniversary.  Fingers crossed I make it that long!

On another note, this is my week 8 of the program.  A few posts back…well maybe a lot of posts back, I blogged that I had stopped doing Weight Watchers after I had lost between 19 and 20 pounds.  The longest – week wise – that I have ever stayed on the program is 9 weeks.  Why has this all been on my mind?  Well, I am in week 8 and I have lost 19 pounds.  I am at the point where, if I continue, this is the most successful attempt I have ever made at weight loss.  I shouldn’t say “if I continue.”  What I mean to say is: since I am continuing.

Up here in Wisconsin things are still incredibly snowy, but I am itching to get outside and start my running again.  I have been reading runner’s guide blogs, and I am geared up to stick with it for the first time ever.  I can’t believe the changes I have made thus far, and I cannot wait to continue to challenge myself physically.  For the first time in my life, I am feeling capable. I get my student loan in a week, and I am going to get my very first heart rate monitor.

In fact, from here out there are going to be a lot of firsts. The first time I’ve ever lost more than 20 pounds.  The first time I have ever stuck with an eating plan.  The first time I have exercised consistently.  The first time I ever really felt accomplished.

I went grocery shopping today and got some very healthy stuff.  A little milk, some veggie sushi, tofurky lunch meat, flax and fiber bread, apples, oranges, pears, mini golden potatoes, and pico de gallo.  Oh yes, my splurge – fontina cheese.  I have been addicted to trying an ounce or so of a new cheese each day.  I was vegan for so long, and I have been eating dairy again over the last few months.  I shopped the cheese section at Whole Foods for about 20 minutes today, carefully selecting my cheese.  I think my cheese romance is more prominent than any other romance I have ever had!  Wow I’m sad!  And yes, one ounce of fontina was well worth all 3 points!

I have noticed that I like to snack in the evening.  This comes from the fact that I have trouble staying occupied whilst watching TV, watching a movie, or looking around online.  Since I have a fairly short attention span, I would nibble on food all evening long to keep myself entertained.  I got to thinking that if I could replace that activity with something else that would keep my hands busy, I might eat less.  Well, it worked wonderfully.  I was right!  I bought two great colors of yarn yesterday at a great yarn shop by my house.  I knitted for a few hours last night and nearly finished a scarf!  It even got my mind off of the little box of Dove Ice Cream Miniatures my friend bought!  I was able to stop after 3 of them as a special treat.  Then I went on knitting.

Today I am going to get a few emails answered, watch a little TV, finish a new scarf for a friend, and work on adding classes for the semester.  I will check back soon!

Week 7 is Over!

Well, here I am!  I’m a day late, I know.  I have also really been slacking on posting here, but that definitely doesn’t mean I have been slacking on the program!  I weighed in yesterday and, I lost another .2 pounds.  On Dec. 29th I had posted that I *thought* I had lost 6 pounds and it turned out to be nearly true!  Check out the results for the 22nd of December through yesterday… it is a pretty incredible holiday time result!

The results:
Start Weight: 253.8 lbs
This Week: 234.6 lbs (-5.4 lbs from the last two weeks)
Total Weight Lost: 19.2 lbs

Another reason I have been slacking on posts is because…

1. the holiday was HECTIC!
2. my internet is turned off until the 2oth of this month – stupid bills/being a college student!
3. I started work up again – and I’m going full-time until classes start again on the 26th

Fear not though, I have a feeling that this week’s results are going to be EVEN BETTER.  After having gone through a rough spot, I am now on the top.  This journey is rough, but I have never stuck with anything this long.  I am making this work and I am so proud.  I know there will be rough spots ahead still, but I want to make sure to really appreciate when it is a little bit easier, and that time is now.