Where to begin? My life took a turn that I didn’t see coming. My best friend and off and on again boyfriend called last Sunday to end our relationship. He had been at work all day and was supposed to be finishing up sometime around 9pm. I had been texting him all day and we had plans to talk and hang out when he finished. I even explained in the texts that I felt we’d been distant and I was dying to talk. It wasn’t until almost midnight that I heard from him. I knew something was going on…but I didn’t want to think about it. I offered to drive to his apartment to chat face-to-face and he replied “Sarah, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.”
After some coaxing he told me that he was attracted someone he worked with. He had blown me off and was calling me from a party at her house. He also told me that for the last week when he was “too tired to come over or talk on the phone” that he had been out on the main bar area by school with her and her friends. I asked if she knew about me, and he told me that she did but didn’t care. Real classy gal. I was so confused and angry and hurt that I hardly remember what exactly I said. I didn’t freak out, I basically just told him that we couldn’t be friends anymore because he had disrespected me. Even if he liked someone else, he should have had the decency to talk to me BEFORE he started anything with her. He had almost no emotion on the phone. He didn’t care that I was upset.
I emailed him and talked to him one last time on Tuesday. After thinking about what went wrong with us, I realized that I had some apologizing to do. We had been over for so long but were still sort of together. Just emotionally connected more than friends and never dated other people. He was like a built-in comfort that got ripped away so suddenly, I wasn’t sure how to react. I had been distant myself because I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. I wouldn’t even let him hug me.
It’s hard to explain how someone you feel uncomfortable hugging can still hold such a big place in your life. It was like I loved him, but I wasn’t able to commit to *really* dating him. He was really selfish and so immature. We just had so much history together it was TERRIFYING to imagine life without him. So, for literally years, we stayed together to avoid breaking up. He always wanted more and I would never give it. The more time we spent together, the more I didn’t know myself. I became an angry depressed person. Here’s the clencher though, I somehow had no idea that it was BECAUSE of the relationship. The more I sought his approval and love, the more I hated myself, my life, and him. It doesn’t make a ton of sense saying it like this, but somehow it’s true.
For the last week since that final conversation I have been thinking about him and us constantly. The pain was so intense and the shock so great during those first few days that I could hardly exist. I wanted to crawl into bed and die. But, as they say, time heals all wounds. I didn’t think it would heal this, but it has already started. I have a renewed sense of clarity and I realize this is the best thing that could have happened. Neither of us were happy and we both deserve to be. It’s hard to believe that this week has been what kept us from breaking up. This terrible, scary, awful week of hell.
The thorn in my side is the fact that he has a crutch – someone new. I simultaneously hate this new person that I will probably never even meet and I feel bad for her too. She will have to deal with the fact that he cheats, lies, and doesn’t even have a car. That he has such little drive that he might not finish college and doesn’t mind working at a pizza place well into his late 20’s. Those feelings of hate for him and her would be easier if I didn’t still love him.
When we were 18 he bought me this diamond from the jeweler where he worked. He was waiting on a setting for the diamond but got so excited one night he pulled into the parking lot of a closed store and pulled the loose diamond out of his pocket to show me. I will never forget the way he beamed. I would consider that so cheesy now, but somehow with him those gestures were always genuine. More often than not those gestures were also “I’m sorrys.” The first time be bought me flowers was also the first time he ever cheated.
The shock is still a little fresh, and I couldn’t count the number of times this week that I almost called him. The only reason I didn’t want because he wasn’t calling me either. I am at a point now where I’m starting to realize that I will get through this. Even though we weren’t *really* dating, I somehow still thought of me as an “us.” I didn’t realize how invested I was in him and us. I didn’t realize that I defined myself by what he thought of me.
I am also dealing with guilt. I was so mean to him over the last few years that I am ashamed. When a situation gets to the point where you can’t even stand to be around eachother, it’s time to end. I somehow wasn’t aware of my attitude toward him until it was over. He was so immature that I responded poorly to almost everything he did, but I always felt justified. I have learned through this that if someone isn’t who you want to be around, you can’t punish them for it. You can’t change them. All you can do is choose what you will do. Do I want to be with this person regardless of these traits I dislike? If the answer is no, leave.
I have learned that you have to have the strength to leave a relationship before you get into one.
I have also learned that you have to be a complete person before you can become an “us.” I was one when we met so many years ago, but by the end I wasn’t. I am still sorting this all out in my head, but there is hope in the fact that there will be a future. There was life before him, and there will be life after him. I will be able to laugh again. I will be able to be happy again. Some day in the future, I look forward to being able to check in on him and be genuinely happy with who he is dating and what he’s up to.
In the meantime, I am going to better myself. I will continue on my diet, keep training for my 5k, and work on being a better communicator. I need to be nicer and consider people’s feelings more. Why should I expect people to like me when I don’t? Why should I expect people to be nice to me when I’m not nice to them?
I don’t like it, but a small part of me is happy this happened. I hope that that small part will get bigger, and some day I will be in a relationship where I will think “If that terrible Sunday phone call from him was one of the steps to get to where I am now, it was worth it.”
If you’re still reading through this point, thanks for sticking with this endless post. There wil probably be updates in the future in regards to this situation, but in the meantime I am just going to keep moving forward. A few days ago I didn’t think I was going to make it, and now I realize I am. It’s done – it’s final. In that finality there is unbearable pain, but also relief. That’s how I know this is for the best.
