Running Breakthrough

Today’s challenge was my first 28 minute stretch. I finished it! That equals 2.35 miles for me. That is the furthest I’ve ever run in my entire life! WOW! Unfortunately, I am running 12 minute miles. That means my 5k speed is going to be 36 minutes.

Next week I start doing 30 minute runs. I guess after one week of 30 minute runs at 5mph, I will start increasing the speed to 5.1, 5.2, etc mph. Looking forward to the day when I can run ever further. After the 5k training is complete I will be moving on to trying for a 10k!

Scary Stuff

The days when I feel alone and scared don’t come as often now. In the beginning, I was afraid of everything. My body was a shell, and stepping outside in the morning was hard. Getting a shower was hard. Talking to a friend was hard.

I felt comfortable, but I wasn’t safe. I was terrified of who I had become. More importantly, I was terrified that other people would find me out. I knew that I had given in to comfort, and I knew that I wasn’t living up to my full potential. I thought that if other people couldn’t tell, then it was OK.

The worst part of what was going on at that time was the fact that I wasn’t ME. I recognize that succumbing to fear and comfort is a part of my personality that I need to keep a watchful eye on, but I have a choice. I have the potential to be an incredible person. I have the power to quiet the negatives and bring out the positives.

Everyone has faults, problems, anxieties, and troubles. The person I become is not the result of all of my traits haphazardly joined together without hierarchy. The person I become is the result of who I choose to be. I am not a victim of myself. I am in control of myself and my life.

Now that so many of my former issues are starting to disappear, I fear that a new set of problems will arise. I know that this is inevitable, but I wonder if I will be able to handle them. Will I be able to deal with the rejection involved in real dating? Will I constantly wonder if people like me for me – or my looks? Will I feel naked without my weight? Will it be harder to create an identity without the default of “fat?”

I’ve been thinking a lot about accepting the “scary stuff.” This is the stuff that makes life hard. It’s also the stuff that makes it worth living. When I was afraid of everything, I used weight to keep me comforted. I experienced nothing. I was an outsider. I wasn’t able to handle the potential pain in any situation, so I steered clear of every situation. I don’t want to live that way anymore.

If I’m too afraid to take a gamble, I will always miss out on the jackpot. A real, fulfilled life is not one without any mistakes, but one that made mistakes and learned from them. A life that went places, saw people, did things, got hurt, picked back up, and loved living again. Those scary situations I was once afraid of aren’t only about being unsure, nervous, scared, or sad. They are also about the thrill of not knowing. They are about trusting in myself enough to go for something, even if the outcome isn’t what I wanted. Those situations test my trust in myself. All I can do is my best, and if I trust that I did my best – then a negative outcome, or a bad relationship, or a bad day are not a reflection of something being wrong with me, they are just that – bad outcomes.

I have learned that I have to be my own best friend. I am my own advocate. No one will ever trust me, love me, or care about me if I don’t do those things for myself. That may sound cliche, but I’ve never understood the meaning of those types of statements until now. I finally think I am starting to do all of those things. One step on the treadmill at a time, one flirty conversation at a time, one less “I didn’t go outside today” at a time.

I’ll say it again. I’m happy.

WEIGH IN!!

Lost 2.2 pounds this week, and finally hit 219!! I am out of the 220’s! Now I’m focusing on training even harder and breaking through these 200’s. I AM REALLY GOING TO DO IT! I’m so proud. Only a few more weeks and I can be there.

My weekend!

It’s finally the weekend! This week was killer. I was tired and overworked for the majority of it, because school projects have been completely nuts. Tonight, I am finishing a few pieces of homework and watching some reality TV. Nothing exciting to report about this week, aside from the fact that I did really well with eating and haven’t eaten all of my weeklies. That’s a first for me!

Today I made a super sweet running mix with tons of upbeat jams. I tried it out and it worked really well. I managed to get through another 25 minute run. It’s always hard, but it gets progressively easier. This week, I run 27.5 minutes, and then next week it will be 30. I am running at 5mph, so after I hit the 30 minute mark, I will start increasing speed until I can run a 30 minute 5k.

I’ve been looking around online, and I think I’m going to run my first 5k in Indianapolis with some friends in November. I am getting so excited.

Oh I guess there is one thing to report. I tried on my jeans from high school and they are getting closer to fitting. I could almost get them up past my hips. Before, they barely fit up to me knees! Getting stronger and healthier – so happy!

A little freaked out.

This week has been rough at the gym. The task of running for 25 minutes is so mentally daunting to me that the last 2 times I’ve tried, I haven’t been able to keep going. I have already run the 25 minutes twice before, but I keep psyching myself out. I need to really get in the zone for tonight. I am heading over to the gym in a few minutes, and I have to run 25 today or I will be off track for the week. Rough days stink

Life’s not really that bad.

When I think about how my life was one year ago at this time, or even over the past 3 or 4 years, I think about how out of control I was. During those last few years, my weight was both high and low. Sometimes I was 215 pounds, and sometimes I was over 250. You may think that being a lower weight meant I had a better handle on my weight at that time, but you’d be wrong.

Looking back, what strikes me the most is how OUT OF TOUCH I was with what was happening INSIDE of me. I could curb the eating for a while and lose a few pounds, but inside I was unchanged. The thing is, I never realized I was unchanged. I really believed that I was changing. I don’t know what happened this year, or how things managed to fall together like they did, but I can honestly say that I am a different person than I was 12 months ago. I have changed tremendously. My eyes have been opened.

I used to think to myself, and honestly, sometimes I still do, “What does it mean to be happy?” “What is this thing that people call happy, and how do they throw around that word like its nothing?” I NEVER felt happy. Literally, EVER. I thought that it was because of the weight. In many ways, it was, but it was also due in large part to the fact that I didn’t like me. Not the me in the mirror, but the voice that came out of my mouth or the thoughts in my head. I felt filthy, gross, disgusting, ugly – on the inside. What strikes me the most about my transformation over the last few months, is how much the weight loss and the inside emotions go hand in hand. Losing weight has been like this big puzzle, and I didn’t know how to put the pieces together. But then, one day, the first piece became solidified. This was maybe sometime last January when I realized that I HAD lost significant weight. That started a chain reaction, and slowly I gained some self-respect. Once the respect started to fall into place, I started to ponder exercising. Once I started that, everything started to work together.

I am FAR from the finish line, but I am further in my weight loss than ever before. I resign to the fact that I will never be able to quit this – a thought that used to terrify me. Now, it’s not so scary. Why? Because the thoughts that made me feel like eating out of control are getting quieter. A life of dieting doesn’t sound so bad, because I don’t feel the urge to eat as much as I used to.

These days, I look people in the eye when they speak to me, I walk with my shoulders back and my head held high – all things that are MONUMENTAL improvements for me. I am no longer ashamed to simply exist.

Most importantly, some days I think to myself “Life’s not really that bad.” I feel that feeling I was so envious of last year or the year before that. I feel happy.

New photo!

New photo update on the weight progress page. Check it out! Only a 5 pound difference from the last one, but it looks pretty different. Sorry for the short updates lately. School has been making me busy

Weigh in day!

Down another 1.8 pounds now! At 221.4 now. Hooray – so looking forward to breaking that 220 mark this week! I also did the 25 minute run again today, and it felt really nice!

That’s all for now.

Wow….I’m a machine.

I ran for 25 minutes nonstop at 5mph today, then walked 5 more minutes at 3% incline at 3.6 mph. I am a machine, watch out 5K. I am coming for you.

Running stats…

Went to the gym yesterday and ran like hell, and went back today and did it again! Today was walk 5, run 10, walk 3, run 10. I finished, even though the last 3 mins of the final run were hard. Then, I walked more at an incline, because I need to get the booty in shape for some sweet stretch denim I bought for fall. I’m working up to that 3 mile total distance! I burned about 430 calories in those 40 minutes!

I’ve noticed that the weight doesn’t seem to be moving too fast, but my size is shrinking. This time last year, I had a shirt I got for free at a baseball game that was so tight, I couldn’t even wear it to bed, because the neck hole choked me! Now, it’s my over sized exercise shirt! In the last 3 weeks, it has gotten huge around the middle. My belly is shrinking!

This afternoon I’ve got a ton of stuff to work on….so anyway…back to work!