On the 17th of this month, I had been on the Weight Watchers program for one year. During that time, I lost 45 pounds. To some, that may seem like a small amount over the course of a year, but to me it was perfect. I often reflect on that Rolling Stones song that says, “You can’t always get what you want…you get what you need.” I think that during the last year, I got a lot of what I needed, despite the fact that I wasn’t ready for it.

I started the program thinking I needed to lose around 100 pounds, and I was aiming to do it in one year. What I found out was that I needed to do a lot more than lose 100 pounds. It wasn’t just the weight, it was the way I was living my life. I was at a crossroads and about to turn 25. I was in a terrible relationship, and I didn’t realize that it was sucking the life out of me. One year ago I was a depressed, sick person. I just plainly “wasn’t me.” I wasn’t realizing my potential, and I didn’t care about myself.

As the weight started to come off, I got scared. I was happy to see the scale changing, but I wasn’t on board with the emotional changes. I felt vulnerable, and I wasn’t quite ready to take the plunge into being a “normal person.” Around spring I was getting a little better, and I was leaving my house and visiting friends again. I felt like things were starting to change for the better, but I still had that last bridge to cross – my ex-boyfriend/kinda boyfriend/who knows what the hell he was to me. That was the hardest part. That day when he told me he didn’t want to talk to me anymore, after 8 years of us being inseparable, was the hardest day of my life to date. Oh who am I kidding, it was my hardest MONTH to date! But after that month of “I can’t leave the house. I don’t get dressed. I can’t eat.” I started to see things as they were, and I realized that this wasn’t the worst thing to ever happen – it was the BEST thing to ever happen. I got what I needed. I was FREE for the first time since I was 16. I realized a lot about myself over the summer, and those realizations re-started my slumped weight loss. I had gained back about 15-20 of those pounds prior to the breakup, and I was ready to lose them again.

After I was cut loose from that guy, his words kept swirling around in my head, “You aren’t a real runner. You can’t be a real runner. You just aren’t one, because I know people who are and you’re nothing like them.”

I had been wading around in the kiddie pool of running all summer long. I kept telling people, “What if I train to run a 5k?” They would laugh at me because “everyone knows fat people aren’t runners.” I realize now, something really, really interesting about all of that: I wanted someone to give me permission to be a runner. I didn’t just do this about running, I did it about everything. I tried to please everyone – to be anything and everything for everyone. I never once asked myself, “What on earth do I want to do?” I never let myself believe that I was capable of anything. I thought that was selfish.

Somehow, though I’m still fuzzy on how I ever managed to do it with that mindset, I completed the Couch to 5k plan. I went from not being able to run for one minute in August to being able to run for 35 with ease in November. Running for those months taught me a lot about myself. I am capable of anything. I can do just one more minute, just one more mile. I can and will keep running. I can and will finish a mini marathon. I can and will finish a marathon. I will be the best version of myself, because I am capable.

These days, I am nearing that number…the 200 pound mark. I haven’t legitimately been below 200 pounds since I was a freshman in college. In 9.2 pounds, I will weigh 199. Even saying it is weird. I am still struggling with that thought every day. I continue to marvel at how something SO AWESOME feels so scary. When I am honest with myself, I realize that a tiny little voice inside my doesn’t want me to get there. That part of me scares the hell out of me. Part of me still doesn’t believe that I can do it. I want to quiet that voice, and the best way I have found to do it is to run. Not running from something, but running to it, through it – pounding out those thoughts with each step.

I used to laugh at people who called their weight loss a “journey.” Over the last year, I have learned that “journey” is the only word that can describe this. Losing weight is so much bigger than losing pounds. For me, it’s changing myself inside and out. It’s the constant tug of war that my mind and body play. Lose 5 pounds, re-frame my self-image. Lose 10 pounds, start to deal with guys talking to me. Lose 30 pounds, start feeling like I’m really living. It’s scary, but it’s rewarding in a way that I never thought possible. This is the first time I’ve felt alive in years. Every day I feel like I’m waking up a little more.

On the 17th of November, I got a text from that guy asking me if I remembered sitting in my driveway of my mom’s house back in Indiana 9 years earlier on that same day. It was the day we started dating – our anniversary. I laughed for a minute to myself, because that date had already been replaced in my mind with a different anniversary, one that is all about me, only about me, and completely for me. November 17th isn’t about someone holding me down anymore. It’s not about a high school boyfriend who turned into a bad relationship and a wasted college experience. It’s about how I took my life back. That is the anniversary of my weight loss.

One year ago on the 17th, I sat down to write this: The Beginning If i had known then what I was in for, I never would have been able to do this. I have found that the most rewarding things in life are the ones you don’t know how the hell you got through. I am happier now than I have been since I was a kid, and I can’t wait to see what I do this year. What will I be doing on November 17th of next year? What will I look like? What will I be capable of then? I can’t wait to find out.

Thanks to Kim I am back. I had been meaning to get back on here, but I kept putting it off. I probably would have continued to put it off too!

Anyway, I have been working the program and exercising like crazy and as of this morning’s weigh in I am resting at 208.2 pounds. That means I’ve lost about 7 pounds since I last blogged. I am happy with that, and I am excited because I went down another point on weight watchers to 27 points a day! I haven’t had 27 points on the program since I was about 20!

I am tentatively running in my first 5k on the 12th of december! I am excited about it, and I just need to make sure it fits into my schedule.

The semester is almost over and I am SO HAPPY about that. I have been ridiculously busy, and it’s really been stressing me out. I am looking forward to new years, and I am looking for a dress! I want to lose another 5 pounds before that night so I can look extra special! For the evening a few friends and I are going to be in Chicago at The Palmer and party-hopping all night. I’ve never done anything that special before, so it will be interesting to see how it goes!

That’s about it with me! I am making a commitment to be back and in blogging action from this point on, since I think reading blogs and writing them really helps keep my chin up!

I find that when my blogging slacks, my weight loss slacks. I have had a busy/rough couple of weeks. Today will be my first day back in the gym in a week, and i gained 2.8 pounds IN ONE WEEK. I am back at 215 and very frustrated. I ate very badly for about 4 days in a row, but I am back in the game. I’m ready to keep on getting those numbers down.

Also, a fellow blogger posted a great post that really hit home. I thought I would link it:

http://run4change.wordpress.com/2009/10/28/taking-care-of-ourselves/

I was sitting here, still feeling really crappy (see last post for explanation). Then I started thinking about how I am still new to this “loving myself” concept. Before, the slightest upset would send me spinning off my axis. Over the last few months, I have done a great job of protecting myself. I don’t go out much anymore, and I’m surrounded by real friends/family. Then, last week I let someone rock my boat. I think that instead of letting this throw me off plan and get me down, I need to use it as a learning experience.

Here’s what I know about the situation, and how I will(or will not) let it affect me:

1. I was going to be at a party with people I didn’t know. That scared the hell out of me, so I drank too much. What I learned from that situation is that even nervous Sarah is better than wasted Sarah. I need to face my fear of public situations head on and show my true colors. I am fun to talk to and my opinions and thoughts are great. I need to show people that.
2. If I do happen to make a mistake, a bad impression, upset someone – I can’t let it ruin me. I can’t always control how people think of me. Sometimes they don’t get me or they misunderstand me. I can’t let that spin me off my axis and send me hurling into the misery of regret, loneliness and self-doubt. No one is interested in a sappy, needy mess. I don’t want to be that. I will only become that if I let other people affect me to an unhealthy degree. I am not going to do that anymore.
3. Now for the hard part – pick it back up and dust it off. Keep on trucking. Maybe I built things up, maybe things weren’t perfect, maybe I got it twisted. Maybe someone else did – either way, there are other people, other places, other times, when I will shine and it will be awesome. Unfortunately, that one party wasn’t one of those places and times.
4. I have to “do me.” I’m the only me I’ll ever have, and I’m the only me I’ve got to work with. I am going to put the best face forward, keep my attitude positive. I’m a great person when I want to be, and I consciously choose to be.

We’ll see what the future has to offer. I can do this, I can keep moving forward. I am worth it.

So last week was supposed to fun, right? As it turns out, it was terrible. I was overworked to a point where I slept about 4 hours a night and couldn’t find the time to eat or run. I haven’t done a run in 7 days, and I feel SO out of it. I weighed myself this morning, and I lost 4.4 pounds this week because of the lack of food. I have been running on coffee and the occasional snack. I don’t even want to know how bad I killed my metabolism. I’m sure at least half of that weight was muscle as well.

Today I have to work on getting caught up with work and school. I also need to get back in the gym. I ate breakfast, and I am going to work back into eating my usual small, frequent meals.

In addition to all of my outrageous workload, I threw a party for my roommate and had a little too much to drink. We invited people who were friends as well as people from her work, and I completely embarrassed myself in front of them. I bothered and bugged them…and hugged two of them…ugh it was a NIGHTMARE. I was “that girl”….”drunk girl.” I am humiliated. In addition to just feeling really foolish, their reaction totally killed my confidence. I apologized over the internet, but who knows if I will ever be able to see them again to redeem myself. Like they say, you can’t take back a first impression. I thought maybe they would hang with us again. Since most of our friends moved away after school, we could definitely benefit from a few extra people to hang around. Turns out they really were super turned off by me, and we just politely saying “don’t worry about.” They never offered to hang again, though.

I am feeling really down. I hate to complain, but I feel like I really messed things up and ruined my friend’s birthday. I blew my chance at friendship with some cool people, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t understand why simple things like being a friendly person and acting normal at a party are SO HARD for me. I don’t understand why I can’t just be a normal person. I feel like I’ve taken one step forward and two steps back.

I lost another pounds this morning, so I am pleased. I broke my 2 pound a week streak, but ah well.

This week I am going to be BUSY. I have a presentation on Friday, paper proposal on Tuesday, final project due on wednesday and my roommates birthday party Friday night! We invited about 20 people and got AWESOME decorations. We’re making tons of food and having delicious drinks. I am really looking forward to it!

Tomorrow if my first run of this week, and I move my time from 30 minutes to 32. I am getting so close to completing the 5k, I might see if I can finish it tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes

I am anticipating a slightly slow week on the blogging, because I am out of this world busy. We’ll see though. Everyone have an awesome week!

Well folks, I did it. I never thought I could have, but I did. I ran for 30 minutes tonight. That is about 2.7 miles for my speed. I felt sick the last 3 minutes, but I held out. It was hard, but I can definitely do it again, and again. Next week, I am going to up it to 32 minutes and try to get to 40 minutes before I start working on speed maybe. Haven’t quite decided yet.

Today is an exciting day. One I NEVER thought would come. 3-months-ago-me would be so surprised.

Another progress photo – will probably wait until I’m closer to 200 to do another! Very proud of this one, because it shows a huge difference.

Today I have a bunch of things I need to do. Class in a few minutes, then work, then running (YES!), then tons of homework. I am feeling a little overwhelmed, but pretty optimistic.

Tues/Thurs are hard because I hardly have any time to eat during the afternoon. This stink because it kills the metabolism and makes me feel ill-prepared for my run. I bought a box of Fiber One granola bars and I keep them in my glove box to try and fill in those hours with no food.

I know that during these times, apples, nuts, bananas, granola, etc are supposed to be good. Unfortunately, granola and nuts seem to disappear when I’m around. Since I have been doing so well lately, I am considering trying the nuts again. Almonds are very healthy and would be the perfect little pick-me-up on my super busy days. I would only be able to eat about 7 of them…but I am considering trying it. We’ll see how it goes. I will start out by buying a *very* small portion of them…just in case.

That’s about it for me today! Oh yeah and I try my first 30-minute run! I wil report back as to how that goes. I am nervous, and I need to add another song to my mix. Anyone have and good song suggestions? I like pop, rock, and country mostly for running, just because they all have the verse/chorus poppy thing going on!

I have been a bad blogger this week. I haven’t read any of my friends lovely posts and I haven’t posted anything myself. I also only ran 3 times this week, which stinks compared to the past few weeks…

The GOOD news is that I am going to do better on the bloggage this week AND I lost ANOTHER 2.2 pounds this week. That puts me at 217 even, and I finally hit my former lowest point. Am I freaked out about it? Nope…I have been preparing for this weight and I am going to get below it this time. Last time I was shocked because I never imagined I would *really* get below 220. This time, I know I can do it, and I am starting to prepare for being below 200. I bet I can lose that 17lbs before Christmas. It’s funny how all I have ever wanted is to get there…but getting there presents serious psychological changes. I gotta be prepared or I will gain it back!

Anyway. That is pretty much it…oh yeah and I finish my couch to 5k this week. This is a very special week I guess.

I am feeling good, and staying positive going into another awesome week. I wish the same wonderful week to all of my readers! LET’S DO IT TOGETHER THIS WEEK!!!!!